Automotive Forums

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test.

I can’t do that because I’m an asthmatic,” says the man. “The Breathalyzer could bring on an attack.”

So the cop suggests a urine sample.

“Can’t do it,” says the man. “I’m a diabetic, so my urine always has strange stuff in it.”

“Well,” says the angry cop, “why don’t you just get out o fthe car and walk this white line?”

“Sorry,” says the man, “but I can’t do that either.”

“Why not?” asks the officer.

A friend went to a dealer the other day and said, "I'd like a gas cap for my Yugo." The dealer replied, "Okay. Sounds like a fair trade."  

What do you call a German cookie bar?

A Fahrfignewton.
 

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Drive car.

When my husband and I arrived at the dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  "Hey, it's open!"

To which he replied "I know - I already got that side."  

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Escort  - I'm a red-headed nanny
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall
Honda Del Sol - I've always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay $60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans Am - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944 - I am dating big-haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannan is a tad too liberal
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family re-runs
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes."

Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.

Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again. It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.
 
"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes."